At the time of utmost need, she finally came to me.
This is what I said to her.
This is just for you Gwyn.
I will never forget a thing between us.You're worth will forever be measued in the love that beams from the smile that graces my face at the thought of you. I will forever love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. With every ounce of strength this form posesses I will lift your memories to the highest level of loving admiration such as that this world has never seen before.
Goodbye Babygirl. I Love You. Now and Forevermore.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
For Gwyn.
Mood : Skillet - Comatose
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to let go?
Couldn't you have stayed one more day?
I don't care if I'm selfish for thinking so.
I've lost myself in losing you.
It was us against the world.
How can I face them alone?
I keep waiting for you to appear.
To hear your voice whisper in my ear.
I feel the burning start behind my eyes.
I can't do this without you, no matter what they say.
You can't be gone, not yet, not now.
You were my one constant.
You kept my fears at bay.
I'll never wake up the same again.
You were the anchor for my soul.
That which helped my eyes open,
Allowing my next day to begin.
My throat aches as inside I scream for you.
I can't believe you're gone from me
I can't believe I can't feel you.
You can't leave me here this way.
You have to come back and save me.
I don't know if I can last this day.
How do I tell you how much I love you,
When I can't find you anymore?
I need you here more than ever.
I have to hold you one more time.
I have to love you one more time.
Don't leave me here...
Don't go without me...
It's supposed to be the two of us forever.
Please don't go...
Please...
Just don't go...
Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to let go?
Couldn't you have stayed one more day?
I don't care if I'm selfish for thinking so.
I've lost myself in losing you.
It was us against the world.
How can I face them alone?
I keep waiting for you to appear.
To hear your voice whisper in my ear.
I feel the burning start behind my eyes.
I can't do this without you, no matter what they say.
You can't be gone, not yet, not now.
You were my one constant.
You kept my fears at bay.
I'll never wake up the same again.
You were the anchor for my soul.
That which helped my eyes open,
Allowing my next day to begin.
My throat aches as inside I scream for you.
I can't believe you're gone from me
I can't believe I can't feel you.
You can't leave me here this way.
You have to come back and save me.
I don't know if I can last this day.
How do I tell you how much I love you,
When I can't find you anymore?
I need you here more than ever.
I have to hold you one more time.
I have to love you one more time.
Don't leave me here...
Don't go without me...
It's supposed to be the two of us forever.
Please don't go...
Please...
Just don't go...
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Saga of Mourning, and other unrelated material.
Mood = The Servant - Cells
So, I feel my last post was incredibly over dramatic, but nonetheless, it reflected my feelings at the time, so I will leave it. I'm definately in mourning now. It seems the more it sinks in that my friend is gone, the more impact it really has. I'm working on it though, and I've started to be able to smile at the good memories I have once more. So as far as that goes, I will try to face it as it comes, and enjoy the friends that I have to support me. Moving On.
So I love making friends. I find that the discourse of two individuals can be some of the most thought provoking and utterly satisfying material known to me. It's a beautiful thing to be able to dissect one's own sense of perception by learning and understand another's perception and perspective. It's truly an enlightening experience. I think that everyone at some point, should find someone they wouldn't necessarily talk to in their normal daily routine, and have a deep conversation with that person. Of course, I don't mean we should all go find people who would be enemies to us. I mean someone who isn't normally a conversation partner. It could be anyone, even a good friend you've never spoken deeply with. Do this, and I guarantee a bit of self enlightenment, which this world could use a lot more of lately.
So, I feel my last post was incredibly over dramatic, but nonetheless, it reflected my feelings at the time, so I will leave it. I'm definately in mourning now. It seems the more it sinks in that my friend is gone, the more impact it really has. I'm working on it though, and I've started to be able to smile at the good memories I have once more. So as far as that goes, I will try to face it as it comes, and enjoy the friends that I have to support me. Moving On.
So I love making friends. I find that the discourse of two individuals can be some of the most thought provoking and utterly satisfying material known to me. It's a beautiful thing to be able to dissect one's own sense of perception by learning and understand another's perception and perspective. It's truly an enlightening experience. I think that everyone at some point, should find someone they wouldn't necessarily talk to in their normal daily routine, and have a deep conversation with that person. Of course, I don't mean we should all go find people who would be enemies to us. I mean someone who isn't normally a conversation partner. It could be anyone, even a good friend you've never spoken deeply with. Do this, and I guarantee a bit of self enlightenment, which this world could use a lot more of lately.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Letting go.
Mood : 3 Days Grace - Never too Late
Depression is a stealthy thing. It has such a knack for sneaking up on you. Here I sit feeling like I'm floating deep within a cesspool of pitch black and cold. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around anything anymore. I pride myself on being pretty insightful, yet here I am feeling like I can't explain a thing. I love how it can feel like people love you and are there for you...for about 10 minutes. I love how it feels that people are more than happy to be there for you, until it requires sacrifice on their own part. We are all just selfish beings arent we? That's what makes us humans being. I've had such a mix of rage and despair in me lately. I feel like I could rip someone's head off, and then blow off my own for the trouble. I'm against the idea of suicide as a principle and due to past circumstance. Lately though, I've kind of just felt like I could just give up on living. I seem to just keep noticing...everything we do, all events in our lives, all things are still leading to an inevitable end. What's the point in trying?
Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right,
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
I could say day, and you'd say night
tell me it's black when I know that it's white
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
Depression is a stealthy thing. It has such a knack for sneaking up on you. Here I sit feeling like I'm floating deep within a cesspool of pitch black and cold. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around anything anymore. I pride myself on being pretty insightful, yet here I am feeling like I can't explain a thing. I love how it can feel like people love you and are there for you...for about 10 minutes. I love how it feels that people are more than happy to be there for you, until it requires sacrifice on their own part. We are all just selfish beings arent we? That's what makes us humans being. I've had such a mix of rage and despair in me lately. I feel like I could rip someone's head off, and then blow off my own for the trouble. I'm against the idea of suicide as a principle and due to past circumstance. Lately though, I've kind of just felt like I could just give up on living. I seem to just keep noticing...everything we do, all events in our lives, all things are still leading to an inevitable end. What's the point in trying?
Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right,
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
I could say day, and you'd say night
tell me it's black when I know that it's white
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
An exodus into predisposition.
This is my blog. To start, I feel the need to explain how I will be using this. I do not intend for this to be an exact journal. I may use it to write about my day, or other events, but that is not my sole intention. To be particularly honest, I have no singular intention. This will simply serve as a place to articulate thoughts and experiences as I see fit. I cannot guarantee accurate spelling, grammar, or vocabulary usage. It will simply depend on my mood I suppose.
So lets begin shall we?
Mood : Megadeth - Addicted to Chaos
(to explain, I'm music based in my thought and personality, my mood will always be explained with a song. Do not accept the title as my mood, if you want to understand the mood, listen to the song named. To explain even further, do not listen to the WORDS of the song, listen to the feel of the music, I'm usually more focused on the melody..)
To set the stage for my current situation and outlook, you should understand that I'm 21, I live with a parent, I work in retail, and the best friend I've ever had just died of cancer. To answer the first question, yes, I would say I'm in a state of mourning, perhaps even depression. Be that as it may, I still feel happiness most of the time, and feel more than confident that my current level of cognizance is more or less unaffected by current events...for the most part.
I will say that I miss in a way I've never felt before this. That, for the most part, will probably be all you will hear about it. What? Yes, I will write in many perspectives, speaking in multiple persons. I have no care to make this "correct". I guess that more or less is related to a thought that I've spoken and written of before, but feel the need to address again. That thought being "right and wrong". We hear of this concept nearly everyday. Most people don't even put thought into it, they just accept the concept. This really blows my mind, since right and wrong in my opinion, are entirely abstract concepts. We base right and wrong on a combination of two factors: What we feel, and what we're told. Feelings are easily affected, and as such, are no basis for fact. What we are TOLD is based upon the perspective of whoever is doing the telling. Again, that is no basis for fact. With that being so, how is the concept of right and wrong really valid? Of course I feel that some things should and should not be done, but I don't necessarily believe we should classify it as a simple "good or bad" dichotomy. The concept of good and evil is just as invalid to me. Malicious intent is very real, yes. Mental instability and resulting behaviors are real, yes. Sometimes people do horrible things, but that doesn't mean that person is "evil". The concept of "good and evil" feels completely archaic to me. I believe that our current level of sentience is far above such a concept. Well... most people's at least... Yes, I know I've neglected to indulge the blinding seething religious masses, any of which probably would of either closed this page or started quoting scripture at me. I suppose I should explain that I don't believe in theology. I understand the concept as it applies to hope, and that it gives people something to believe in, and a reason to keep going, however, it doesn't hold any potency for me. I don't believe that superman in the sky with diamonds sent his zombie son to die and undie so we could be free to sock our wives in the jaw and get away with it. Not to mention, if he resurrected, wouldn't that kind of negate the DYING for our sins? I suppose God writes the rules though, so that makes it ok... Anyways, that's probably enough theological ranting for now.
Mood : Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes
I feel I should talk about the song I'm now listening to. I feel that music is the singular most powerful energy to ever be discovered and harnessed. This song is a very good example of that. It's name is very well chosen, as it really moves seamlessly from a frenetic pace to a dainty and delicate mood. It is well worded, and incredibly executed. I constantly envision creating a choreographed show to this song, as it is very theatric. It demonstrates the power of music incredibly well. It's hard to believe how well music can articulate every possible emotion a person can feel. I've not felt an emotion I could not find in song. I love music with every fiber of my being.
I feel I've said enough to field a strong first post. I cannot guarantee a second. I can't guarantee I'll ever look at this again, but if I do, then more posts with most likely come.
Free your mind from what it sees,
To understand perceptually.
- Me
So lets begin shall we?
Mood : Megadeth - Addicted to Chaos
(to explain, I'm music based in my thought and personality, my mood will always be explained with a song. Do not accept the title as my mood, if you want to understand the mood, listen to the song named. To explain even further, do not listen to the WORDS of the song, listen to the feel of the music, I'm usually more focused on the melody..)
To set the stage for my current situation and outlook, you should understand that I'm 21, I live with a parent, I work in retail, and the best friend I've ever had just died of cancer. To answer the first question, yes, I would say I'm in a state of mourning, perhaps even depression. Be that as it may, I still feel happiness most of the time, and feel more than confident that my current level of cognizance is more or less unaffected by current events...for the most part.
I will say that I miss in a way I've never felt before this. That, for the most part, will probably be all you will hear about it. What? Yes, I will write in many perspectives, speaking in multiple persons. I have no care to make this "correct". I guess that more or less is related to a thought that I've spoken and written of before, but feel the need to address again. That thought being "right and wrong". We hear of this concept nearly everyday. Most people don't even put thought into it, they just accept the concept. This really blows my mind, since right and wrong in my opinion, are entirely abstract concepts. We base right and wrong on a combination of two factors: What we feel, and what we're told. Feelings are easily affected, and as such, are no basis for fact. What we are TOLD is based upon the perspective of whoever is doing the telling. Again, that is no basis for fact. With that being so, how is the concept of right and wrong really valid? Of course I feel that some things should and should not be done, but I don't necessarily believe we should classify it as a simple "good or bad" dichotomy. The concept of good and evil is just as invalid to me. Malicious intent is very real, yes. Mental instability and resulting behaviors are real, yes. Sometimes people do horrible things, but that doesn't mean that person is "evil". The concept of "good and evil" feels completely archaic to me. I believe that our current level of sentience is far above such a concept. Well... most people's at least... Yes, I know I've neglected to indulge the blinding seething religious masses, any of which probably would of either closed this page or started quoting scripture at me. I suppose I should explain that I don't believe in theology. I understand the concept as it applies to hope, and that it gives people something to believe in, and a reason to keep going, however, it doesn't hold any potency for me. I don't believe that superman in the sky with diamonds sent his zombie son to die and undie so we could be free to sock our wives in the jaw and get away with it. Not to mention, if he resurrected, wouldn't that kind of negate the DYING for our sins? I suppose God writes the rules though, so that makes it ok... Anyways, that's probably enough theological ranting for now.
Mood : Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes
I feel I should talk about the song I'm now listening to. I feel that music is the singular most powerful energy to ever be discovered and harnessed. This song is a very good example of that. It's name is very well chosen, as it really moves seamlessly from a frenetic pace to a dainty and delicate mood. It is well worded, and incredibly executed. I constantly envision creating a choreographed show to this song, as it is very theatric. It demonstrates the power of music incredibly well. It's hard to believe how well music can articulate every possible emotion a person can feel. I've not felt an emotion I could not find in song. I love music with every fiber of my being.
I feel I've said enough to field a strong first post. I cannot guarantee a second. I can't guarantee I'll ever look at this again, but if I do, then more posts with most likely come.
Free your mind from what it sees,
To understand perceptually.
- Me
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