That which doesn't kill you... may make you a zombie.

Mood : Death Cab For Cutie - I will Possess your Heart (did you come back up and check???)

My sleep schedule is destroyed. Nuclear. Thermo even... I woke up at 3am. I should start working the fun night shifts at work. Then I could wake up late AND hate life! Huzzah! I don't know why my sleep schedule is messed up. It does have some benefits though. I met someone that's arisen some familiar yet forgotten feelings in me, and it's kind of nice. I also have a best friend again. Things seem to be feeling a lot better. Of course I usually say that then my next post is like WTFOMFGEMOBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Anyhoo, we'll see what happens. As with these recent developments in my life, I'm trying to take things slow for once, instead of going all speed racer and rushingintoeverythinglikeafuckingspeeddemonnotslowingdownforanyoneoranything.

Right...

Moving on...

So, I'm in a pretty good mood right now. It could be due to waking up to someone I wanted to see online. It could be I actually got some rest. It could be some kind of fucked up sleep schedule induced psychosis. Lets hope for all three. Psychosis sounds like it could be fun. Psycho's usually get nifty superpowers like the ability to teleport, and to catch up to someone running at breakneck speed while you are walking like a snail. Also you get natural proficiency at a blunt or cutting tool of your own choosing. I wonder what I'd use... It'd need to be something original. OOOH Maybe a kaiser blade... What? You don't know what a kaiser blade is? Well then...

























Shazam. The picture doesn't show good relative size, but it's like....4 feet long. Imagine having some crazy guy come at you with that? I'd shit. I also need to decide if I'd be the silent killer type (see: Jason, Micheal, etc.) or more of a comedic loudmouth type (Freddy, Chucky) I AM a bit of a smart ass, so the comedic type seems more my style. I couldn't see myself being a psycho villain without some witty one-liners...


Yeah, so I realized I was ranting on being a psycho killer, and though I have the ability and mental capacity to objectively talk about just about anything, I don't want the shrinks coming for me... again <.< >.>

Oh crap I forgot to put the song for my mood up there...

But...am I too lazy to scroll back up?
It seems so far.
Is it worth it?
Such a journey to make...
Such a step to take...
Cue Puff Daddy.

If you saw a song up there, then I guess you know what happened eh?


I'm feeling quite random. I guess it's the adhdhdhdhdhdhdhdhddddhhhddddhhddd having fun with me. Neurons overfiring...WOO! I enjoy ADD on occasion. Your mind kind of works like a search engine. You always get a few more results than you needed. Also, your mind links things together. Like pizza. I like pizza. Pizza is in the shape of a circle. Like a bulls-eye...or a target. I work at target. I stock the shelves and control inventory numbers. I was specialized to the market section for a while. We stock pizzas there.




WHOAAAAAAAA











HE STOLE THAT GUYS PIZZA!




Pizza theft. It's a global issue. Protect yourself. Don't share your pizza cutters with others.



That makes me think of something else quite random.



Ever been to pizza hut and see the big ass pizza cutter doohickey they use to slice the pizzas?



They use that at the food place in Target. They only make tiny little pan pizzas. I've always though it was a bit of overkill... Like going after a block of cheese with a katana... Oh shit... I have a katana and cheese... Well.. I guess I know what I'LL be doing soon...



Did you know Bush has a 100% Dodge Rating?
























Epic Skills Indeed. He learned that when Dick Cheney taught him how to dodge questions.
ZING! POLITICAL STYLE! 10 POINTS!




And now for something...completely different.



I've been rambling for some time now, and though I'm not sure if any of it has a point, I feel like I said it all for a reason. No what happened happened and could not have happened any other way. The guy who said that was a wise dude, until his entire religious prophecy was revealed to be a lie. Sound like anything we know kids?



It's been hot as hell here lately. A lot of people don't understand that Mississippi is hot as the balls of a cactus, but it is. Humid as hell too. Your SWEAT will sweat here. Lemme check the lovely forecast.............100.....fucking 100......1 Zero ZERO. Shoot me now. I hate heat. You can put clothes on and bundle up when it's cold. You can only take off so much. I don't like feeling like I'm being baked when I get in my car to go home from work. It's gross, stuff sticks to you. It saps your energy and makes everyone cranky. Tomorrow will prolly be a cranky day at work. Guests come in cranky because of the heat, and I just want to slap them and scream "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE HEAT WHY DID YOU GET UP OFF YOUR ASS TO COME HERE?!?!?!??!?!?!???!?!?!" Bah. It kills me. It could be raining fire outside, and people would still come to Target.

Anyways, that's enough rambling for now.

I will leave you with lyrics.



How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

You reject my... advances... and desperate pleas...
I won't let you... let me down... so easily.So easily.

Nomenclature is overrated.

Fallacies of mankind display out beyond us all.
Yet all lie in wait, preparing to fall.
Death is an inevitability set aside for it's faithful.
Afraid to see the greater calling,
Of simply learning to cease to be.
All we learn is to further the understanding of our own agony.
Surveying the ignorant masses bleeding away blissfully.
Truly we stand triumphantly above them.
Awashed in the excrement of our own victory.
Burn it away and all will be seen.
A picturesque humanity too grotesque and obscene
We are monsters of our own design.
A procession of death-awaiting abominable beings.

Another entrance.

Mood : Flyleaf - All Around Me

So, I've been progressing decently. I'm more or less out of the woods I would say, though it's still a hard journey picking myself back up. I still have bouts of misery here and there, but they seem to be lessening in intensity. I can't really remember a clear distinct point of "happiness" with which to judge my progress by, but needless to say, I'm at a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I still miss Gwyn severely. It still hurts. I still find myself wanting to talk to her and tell her about things. I've started laying down at night before bed, and whispering a few words to her, as I used to do when we spoke on the phone and talked each other to sleep. It seems to help.

Right now, the front of my face and my eyes ache slightly, indicating I've been up too long, and my eyes have been open longer than they wished to be. Sadly, I've been having trouble sleeping this week. I've always been an insomniac, but as of late it seems that sometimes I have to wait till I'm ready to pass out to sleep. It's not for lack of work or energy usage either. I guess perhaps my mind is a bit overwound lately, causing for restlessness. I'll perservere. I love sleep too much to do without it for long.

Have you ever thought about the things we do for ourselves without noticing it? Have you ever noticed that you breathe on auto-pilot unless you start thinking about it? I've wonder if that sort of automation is prevalent within our emotions. Have you ever gone through an entire day, and then realized you didn't really control anything you did during it? Like you just reacted and responded through pre-disposed actions and dialogue? I hate those days. For the most part they feel wasted, unless it's a day I wished to be over, at which case I tend to be grateful I could zone out for the bulk of it. I'm happy to see that I'm beginning to have curiosities again. The return of that, along with the return of my humor, are good indicators of a positive step on the road of recovery. I'm still emotionally fragile. A dear friend has been helping me with this, much to her own sacrifice I worry. Needless to say, it's taken someone as hard-headed as I, to put up with my brand of brooding emotionality. I wonder sometimes how she does it, but I've learned that friendship can truly be an empowering thing. When you care for someone, the posibilities of what you can do for that person is truly limitless. I've seen this in many forms. She's truly helped me to begin walking on the path of redemption, and I don't think she will ever understand how truly meaningful that is to me. To be honest, I'm glad she wont. I don't think I ever want someone to completely understand me. If you completely understand someone, how will you ever be surprised by them? Spontaneity disappears at that point. I hope that never happens to me. I know it wont with her. She's as complex an individual as I am, and I find that fascinating, as my curiosity is legendary.

Well, as much as I could probably keep writing, I do need to go either sleep or get up and get ready for work already. I'll leave with the lyrics of the song I'm listening to.

"All Around Me"

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with
you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

For Gwyn Again.

At the time of utmost need, she finally came to me.

This is what I said to her.


This is just for you Gwyn.

I will never forget a thing between us.You're worth will forever be measued in the love that beams from the smile that graces my face at the thought of you. I will forever love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. With every ounce of strength this form posesses I will lift your memories to the highest level of loving admiration such as that this world has never seen before.
Goodbye Babygirl. I Love You. Now and Forevermore.

For Gwyn.

Mood : Skillet - Comatose

Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to let go?
Couldn't you have stayed one more day?
I don't care if I'm selfish for thinking so.
I've lost myself in losing you.

It was us against the world.
How can I face them alone?
I keep waiting for you to appear.
To hear your voice whisper in my ear.

I feel the burning start behind my eyes.
I can't do this without you, no matter what they say.
You can't be gone, not yet, not now.
You were my one constant.
You kept my fears at bay.

I'll never wake up the same again.
You were the anchor for my soul.
That which helped my eyes open,
Allowing my next day to begin.

My throat aches as inside I scream for you.
I can't believe you're gone from me
I can't believe I can't feel you.
You can't leave me here this way.
You have to come back and save me.
I don't know if I can last this day.

How do I tell you how much I love you,
When I can't find you anymore?
I need you here more than ever.
I have to hold you one more time.
I have to love you one more time.

Don't leave me here...
Don't go without me...
It's supposed to be the two of us forever.
Please don't go...
Please...
Just don't go...

The Saga of Mourning, and other unrelated material.

Mood = The Servant - Cells

So, I feel my last post was incredibly over dramatic, but nonetheless, it reflected my feelings at the time, so I will leave it. I'm definately in mourning now. It seems the more it sinks in that my friend is gone, the more impact it really has. I'm working on it though, and I've started to be able to smile at the good memories I have once more. So as far as that goes, I will try to face it as it comes, and enjoy the friends that I have to support me. Moving On.


So I love making friends. I find that the discourse of two individuals can be some of the most thought provoking and utterly satisfying material known to me. It's a beautiful thing to be able to dissect one's own sense of perception by learning and understand another's perception and perspective. It's truly an enlightening experience. I think that everyone at some point, should find someone they wouldn't necessarily talk to in their normal daily routine, and have a deep conversation with that person. Of course, I don't mean we should all go find people who would be enemies to us. I mean someone who isn't normally a conversation partner. It could be anyone, even a good friend you've never spoken deeply with. Do this, and I guarantee a bit of self enlightenment, which this world could use a lot more of lately.

Letting go.

Mood : 3 Days Grace - Never too Late

Depression is a stealthy thing. It has such a knack for sneaking up on you. Here I sit feeling like I'm floating deep within a cesspool of pitch black and cold. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around anything anymore. I pride myself on being pretty insightful, yet here I am feeling like I can't explain a thing. I love how it can feel like people love you and are there for you...for about 10 minutes. I love how it feels that people are more than happy to be there for you, until it requires sacrifice on their own part. We are all just selfish beings arent we? That's what makes us humans being. I've had such a mix of rage and despair in me lately. I feel like I could rip someone's head off, and then blow off my own for the trouble. I'm against the idea of suicide as a principle and due to past circumstance. Lately though, I've kind of just felt like I could just give up on living. I seem to just keep noticing...everything we do, all events in our lives, all things are still leading to an inevitable end. What's the point in trying?


Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right,
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
I could say day, and you'd say night
tell me it's black when I know that it's white
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.