Thursday, June 4, 2009

Another entrance.

Mood : Flyleaf - All Around Me

So, I've been progressing decently. I'm more or less out of the woods I would say, though it's still a hard journey picking myself back up. I still have bouts of misery here and there, but they seem to be lessening in intensity. I can't really remember a clear distinct point of "happiness" with which to judge my progress by, but needless to say, I'm at a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I still miss Gwyn severely. It still hurts. I still find myself wanting to talk to her and tell her about things. I've started laying down at night before bed, and whispering a few words to her, as I used to do when we spoke on the phone and talked each other to sleep. It seems to help.

Right now, the front of my face and my eyes ache slightly, indicating I've been up too long, and my eyes have been open longer than they wished to be. Sadly, I've been having trouble sleeping this week. I've always been an insomniac, but as of late it seems that sometimes I have to wait till I'm ready to pass out to sleep. It's not for lack of work or energy usage either. I guess perhaps my mind is a bit overwound lately, causing for restlessness. I'll perservere. I love sleep too much to do without it for long.

Have you ever thought about the things we do for ourselves without noticing it? Have you ever noticed that you breathe on auto-pilot unless you start thinking about it? I've wonder if that sort of automation is prevalent within our emotions. Have you ever gone through an entire day, and then realized you didn't really control anything you did during it? Like you just reacted and responded through pre-disposed actions and dialogue? I hate those days. For the most part they feel wasted, unless it's a day I wished to be over, at which case I tend to be grateful I could zone out for the bulk of it. I'm happy to see that I'm beginning to have curiosities again. The return of that, along with the return of my humor, are good indicators of a positive step on the road of recovery. I'm still emotionally fragile. A dear friend has been helping me with this, much to her own sacrifice I worry. Needless to say, it's taken someone as hard-headed as I, to put up with my brand of brooding emotionality. I wonder sometimes how she does it, but I've learned that friendship can truly be an empowering thing. When you care for someone, the posibilities of what you can do for that person is truly limitless. I've seen this in many forms. She's truly helped me to begin walking on the path of redemption, and I don't think she will ever understand how truly meaningful that is to me. To be honest, I'm glad she wont. I don't think I ever want someone to completely understand me. If you completely understand someone, how will you ever be surprised by them? Spontaneity disappears at that point. I hope that never happens to me. I know it wont with her. She's as complex an individual as I am, and I find that fascinating, as my curiosity is legendary.

Well, as much as I could probably keep writing, I do need to go either sleep or get up and get ready for work already. I'll leave with the lyrics of the song I'm listening to.

"All Around Me"

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with
you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

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