Target Etiquette (Pun Intended)

Mood : Jay-Z - 99 Problems





I work at Target.


As a humble Target employee, I feel I should point out some things, and give some tips on how to improve the experience of you (the consumer) while in Target.


From henceforth on the consumer (you) will be called the Future Unwitting Consumer of Knowledgable Etiquette and Decorum.


So, now that you, (the F.U.C.K.E.D.) are up to speed, we shall begin.

Tips for Target :

1. Yes, you ARE interrupting us, even though we will happily smile and tell you you arent, you most DEFINATELY are interrupting us. In fact, for you to NOT be interrupting, we'd have to be standing completely still doing NOTHING. Don't ask if you are interrupting us, simply accept the fact that you are. Being interrupted is part of why they pay us to be there.


2. No, We aren't all encyclopedia Targettica's. We don't know every single procedure and process involved in Target. Some of us know more than others. Some of us know jack shit. NONE of us know it all. Don't assume we do. Don't ask me to recite the names of Target's founders while doing a handstand whistling the star-fucking-spangled banner. It's going to occur that you will ask a question we do not know. No, this doesn't make you smarter than us; Some of us maybe... but not all of us. If you want to know the innermost details of Target's workings you should discover the internet. Or better yet, get a job at wal-mart.


3. WAL-MART. It's not a threat. We don't give a fuck about Wal-Mart. Not one of us. Threatening to go wait in line for 3 hours because we wont wipe your ass with gold will NOT make us shake and shiver. In fact, the second you leave, we will laugh at the misfortune you're about to endure to prove a point, while we happily accept smarter people's money. Enjoy your blazing blue speed weave through Wal-Mart, odds are I'll be off the clock and home before you get halfway through the line. Enjoy.


4. We are not magicians. We cannot make what you want appear out of thin air. If we could, we'd be working at much higher ranking establishments. (No offense Target, I love you... Don't fire me...) If the item you want is not on the shelf, by ALL means come and find me and I'll happily see if we have it in the backroom, or if I can find it stashed somewhere else. Hell, if you pay me extra I'll shank that Grandmom who snaked the last fucking snickerdoodle box, but I'm not going to reach behind your fucking ear and pull a baby stroller out of it, so calm the fuck down and learn to accept that you wont always get everything you want. If it's out, wait a few days, then call us and see if we have it. If it's discontinued, QQ about it (that's crying for you not net savvy people), go home, slit your wrists, perform satanic rituals, and sell your soul for that blanket you just HAVE to fucking have.


5. Please remember my dear F.U.C.K.E.D., that while you are very important to us, so are all the other F.U.C.K.E.D. in the store. I cannot describe the feeling of intense hatred I feel for the prick who can't wait 10 seconds for me to finish with one guest, before barging in, and shouting their earth ending question to anyone who can hear it. For pete's sake, I'm GOING to help you. Learn some fucking PATIENCE. All you are going to earn is my immediate ire, and probably about 87% of my true helping capacity. Yes I understand your child is going to shit in your mouth if he doesn't have the new tiger woods for his nintendo masturbation machine. I will happily get if for you. WHEN I'M DONE helping this person here, who OH LOOK, they're now gurgling shit of their own because I had to stop momentarily to tell you to hold the fuck on. Now you've got shit all over all of us, because you couldn't pack it in for an extra 10 seconds. I'm here for 8 hours. You're probably here for 30 minutes to an hour. Get over yourself. If anyone should be impatient, it's me.


6. Theft. Jesus F. Christ. (the F stands for fictional) If you're not there to ROB the fucking place. Get over yourself, get a job, and earn money for what you want. We're not in fucking arabia. You're not goddamned Aladdin. You don't NEED a new phone charger to survive in the world. Grow the fuck up, get some discipline, and buy your shit, ya dick. Yeah, you're not fucking George Clooney. This isn't Target's Eleven. You're not fucking suave. I'm STARING at you while you steal that. We're following you on CAMERA as you walk around. We're not stupid. Chances are, we know your intentions before you're halfway to what you want to steal. We will watch you. You won't pull off some caper. You're not a fucking cat burglar. Get over yourself; Get a job; or get out of my fucking store.


7. Here at Target, we ARE humans too. We have feelings and emotions. While we will for the most part try to keep these out of your experience at Target, sometimes things will show. If you can SEE I'm having a shitty day, don't make it worse. Try being kind. It usually will actually help the situation a lot. Guests have made my day by being really cool and down to earth. Others have had me cross the line from irritated to infuriated. If you see me charging down the main aisle like a fucking locomotive, you more than likely have one of your fellow F.U.C.K.E.D. to thank. Have some decency and manners. You'd be surprised how far it will get you. We may have secret hidden Target knowledge to reveal to you if you are nice. Like so...

In closing, my dear F.U.C.K.E.D. I'd like to say something. We get paid to do what we do. Guest service is our NUMBER ONE priority. It's ALL that we do. The things we're doing that you feel you are interrupting, are all part of a process that is there to provide service to YOU. Everything we're doing, is for you. All our processes in the store, are there to help ensure that you are recieving the merchandise and services you are wanting. That is our goal, to better how we serve you. I would like to note though, that it's called guest SERVICE, not guest servitude. We're not there to bend to your every whim, we're there to help you. We will do our best to help you, as long as you treat us with a modicum of civility and humility. It's not a large request of us,
considering everything we do is for you. They pay us to help, not to shovel your shit for you. If you are one of those people who shops with a smile, I swear to do my best to help you with anything you may need, with a beaming smile on my face. If you are one of those surly, asinine, repugnant or even worse, sycophantic pieces of condescending trash, I have only one thing to say to you.GET F.U.C.K.E.D.