A Sinister Smile Discourse.

So, I'm copyrighting this blog title for if I ever make an emo band for some odd reason.


Moving on...


Song : Nikkfurie De La Caution - The A La Menthe

That's "The" pronounced "tay" by the way.

Sue me, It's french. I didn't feel like looking up all the right symbols.

It translates to "Mint Tea" if you couldn't figure it out...


Moving on...

So I've been thinking a lot.

No, seriously...

Anyways...

I dodged a bullet today at work, mainly by0 finding out about some miscommunication, and thus resolving it, and it's gotten me thinking.(told ya) Miscommunication can be a truly terrible thing. Miscommunication can turn a harmless gesture, into a friendship ending mistake. It can turn a joke into a catastrophe. It can end some of the most powerful relationships. I'm resolving that I will not let it end mine. I think this world as a whole, needs to learn to be not only more receptive, but more expressive with their thoughts and feelings. If we each decided to tell those we care about how we feel in blatant terms, we'd avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache, and maybe even some heartbreak.

I guess what I'm saying is.

If you love each other enough to tell each other what you're thinking, then you're love will be strong enough to survive anything that's said.

Workers of the World United...

For anyone who's ever had to punch a snooze button...



Lyrics to 9-5ers Anthem :
[Aesop Rock]
Zoom in to the fuming of an aggravated breed
Via the study of post-adolesent agitated seeds
Half the patients wasted self pride at Commencement
So I focus on the urban Oxygen samples, the hot that made it breathe
They sold Pompeii impression, waste infections
And twelve steps to lesson
Cretins swiftly tippy toe on hard to swallow, barter concepts
The give-it get-it, never let it self pass the word, eyeing stubborness
Martyrs talks money causes in a harvesting Spartacus
And someone, I've thrown long Hail Mary bombs
Toward cookie-cutter Mother Natures bedazzled synthetic fabrics
Life treats the peasants like
They tried to fuck his woman while he slept inside
Well they're merely chasing perfectionist emblems
When the clock strikes nine
I'll be waking with the best of routine caffiene team players
For the cycle of it
Under a dusted angel heartstring Big Brother is watching
My odometer like buzzard to fallen elk, talking stealth
We got babies, rubber stamps, and briefcase parts
We on some door-to-door now
Order ten dollars or more, we'll shove it down your throat for free
I'll sacrifice my inborn tendencies
For copper pennies for one commanding "Gimme that"
So we can retain baby fat
Make the biter snake bedlam
Holocaust freak, heckle shiesty brain headroom shaped planet
Make a move, pause, make a move break cannon
Bent barrel one eight zero, you'll turn, squeeze, ending
It's on like it's never been
It's bleeding well
It's bigger than a breadbox
It can roast my leaky finance
I'll take my seat atop the Brooklyn Bridge
With a Coke and a bag of chips
To watch a thousand lemmings plummet just because
The first one slipped
Sometimes I laugh at victory, kissing these little question marks
I tend to underestimate my average
Just another bastard savage
Someday you'll all eat out of my cold hand
Cuz every dog has its day
At which point, I'll pull it away

Now we the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine-to-five day-in day-out
When we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

[Aesop Rock]
It's the year of the silkworm
Everything I built burned yesterday
Let's display the purpose that these stilts serve
Elevate the spreading of the silk germ
Trying to weave a web but all that I believe in is dead
Nah brother, it's the year of the jackal
Saddle up on high horse
My torch forced Polaris embarrassed
Shackle up the hassle by the dooming legend marriage
I bought some new sneakers
I just hope my legacy matches
It's the year of the landshark
Dry as sand, parched, damn get these men some water
They're out there being slaughtered
In meaningless wars so you don't have to bother
And can sit and soak the idiotbox trying to fuck their daughters
Man it's the year of the Orphan
Seated adjacent to the firefly circling the torches on your porches
Trying to guard the fortress of a king they've never seen or met
But all are trained to murder at the first sign of a threat
Maybe it's the year of the waterbug
Cockroach utter thug specimen
Your response, dreaming of your next of kin
I'm still dealing with this mess I'm in
I've been the object of your ridicule
You've been a bitch lieutenant
God it's the year of the underpaid employee
Spitting forty plus a week
And trying to rape earth on my off time
You bought dizzy, I can't keep myself busy enough
So you can run run run
And I'ma let you think you won
EVERYBODY!

We the American working population
Hate the fact that eight hours a day
Is wasted on chasing the dream of someone that isn't us
And we may not hate our jobs
But we hate jobs in general
That don't have to do with fighting our own causes
We the American working population
Hate the nine to five day-in day-out
But we'd rather be supporting ourselves
By being paid to perfect the pasttimes
That we have harbored based solely on the fact
That it makes us smile if it sounds dope

[Aesop Rock]
Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless
Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition and
Yawn and stretch and my life is a mess and
If I never make it home today, God bless

Red.

A river runs from my mind, snaking a trail from my head, slithering down my neck as every hair stands stiff.
A shudder wracks me, as the warmth falls down my shoulder, following my arm, outlining every vein, a map of my life as it flows from me.
My heart beats one last cacophony of brilliance, cascading outward to hasten the flow of red seething forth from me.
I watch the art writing itself upon my arm, following every watercolor etching down to my fingers, ink pooling upon their tips.
In this ink I see my story.
My history laid bare and plain for my eyes to digest, every memory dialogued out for my own perception and interpretation.
Drops of ink begin to fall from me, taking my thoughts and memories.
I see the glistening remnants of my own sanity splatter against the ground beneath me.
I lift my arm up above me, watching the history written upon it shift as the river begins to change direction.
I feel my memories raining down upon me, covering myself in their warmth.
I feel them begin to sink within my skin once more.
I feel my heart begin to beat again.
I feel glistening memory seething within.
My mind is alive and my eyes begin to open.
I see the world through bloodshot eyes.
It shines with a passion I never knew before.
I breath in myself.
I smile once more.

Depreciating Value.

Watch him walk.
Listen to the way he speaks.
Do you see the way he bleeds?
Can you see the way he thinks?

Inadequate Acquiescence...

Dark, cold, and bittersweet.
Lethargy seethed through earthly form.
Statuesque images laid broken and piecemeal.
Unattained and forlorn.
Withering branches of two decades of growth.
Laid bare and cracked with heart stillborn.
Victories of absence
Battles fought yet never won.
Accepted deception
Medals of deficiency to be adorned.
Eternal lacking.
Failures of body and mind sought read.
Lessened likenesses
Resemblance to hindrance
Familiar yet dead.

Target Etiquette (Pun Intended)

Mood : Jay-Z - 99 Problems





I work at Target.


As a humble Target employee, I feel I should point out some things, and give some tips on how to improve the experience of you (the consumer) while in Target.


From henceforth on the consumer (you) will be called the Future Unwitting Consumer of Knowledgable Etiquette and Decorum.


So, now that you, (the F.U.C.K.E.D.) are up to speed, we shall begin.

Tips for Target :

1. Yes, you ARE interrupting us, even though we will happily smile and tell you you arent, you most DEFINATELY are interrupting us. In fact, for you to NOT be interrupting, we'd have to be standing completely still doing NOTHING. Don't ask if you are interrupting us, simply accept the fact that you are. Being interrupted is part of why they pay us to be there.


2. No, We aren't all encyclopedia Targettica's. We don't know every single procedure and process involved in Target. Some of us know more than others. Some of us know jack shit. NONE of us know it all. Don't assume we do. Don't ask me to recite the names of Target's founders while doing a handstand whistling the star-fucking-spangled banner. It's going to occur that you will ask a question we do not know. No, this doesn't make you smarter than us; Some of us maybe... but not all of us. If you want to know the innermost details of Target's workings you should discover the internet. Or better yet, get a job at wal-mart.


3. WAL-MART. It's not a threat. We don't give a fuck about Wal-Mart. Not one of us. Threatening to go wait in line for 3 hours because we wont wipe your ass with gold will NOT make us shake and shiver. In fact, the second you leave, we will laugh at the misfortune you're about to endure to prove a point, while we happily accept smarter people's money. Enjoy your blazing blue speed weave through Wal-Mart, odds are I'll be off the clock and home before you get halfway through the line. Enjoy.


4. We are not magicians. We cannot make what you want appear out of thin air. If we could, we'd be working at much higher ranking establishments. (No offense Target, I love you... Don't fire me...) If the item you want is not on the shelf, by ALL means come and find me and I'll happily see if we have it in the backroom, or if I can find it stashed somewhere else. Hell, if you pay me extra I'll shank that Grandmom who snaked the last fucking snickerdoodle box, but I'm not going to reach behind your fucking ear and pull a baby stroller out of it, so calm the fuck down and learn to accept that you wont always get everything you want. If it's out, wait a few days, then call us and see if we have it. If it's discontinued, QQ about it (that's crying for you not net savvy people), go home, slit your wrists, perform satanic rituals, and sell your soul for that blanket you just HAVE to fucking have.


5. Please remember my dear F.U.C.K.E.D., that while you are very important to us, so are all the other F.U.C.K.E.D. in the store. I cannot describe the feeling of intense hatred I feel for the prick who can't wait 10 seconds for me to finish with one guest, before barging in, and shouting their earth ending question to anyone who can hear it. For pete's sake, I'm GOING to help you. Learn some fucking PATIENCE. All you are going to earn is my immediate ire, and probably about 87% of my true helping capacity. Yes I understand your child is going to shit in your mouth if he doesn't have the new tiger woods for his nintendo masturbation machine. I will happily get if for you. WHEN I'M DONE helping this person here, who OH LOOK, they're now gurgling shit of their own because I had to stop momentarily to tell you to hold the fuck on. Now you've got shit all over all of us, because you couldn't pack it in for an extra 10 seconds. I'm here for 8 hours. You're probably here for 30 minutes to an hour. Get over yourself. If anyone should be impatient, it's me.


6. Theft. Jesus F. Christ. (the F stands for fictional) If you're not there to ROB the fucking place. Get over yourself, get a job, and earn money for what you want. We're not in fucking arabia. You're not goddamned Aladdin. You don't NEED a new phone charger to survive in the world. Grow the fuck up, get some discipline, and buy your shit, ya dick. Yeah, you're not fucking George Clooney. This isn't Target's Eleven. You're not fucking suave. I'm STARING at you while you steal that. We're following you on CAMERA as you walk around. We're not stupid. Chances are, we know your intentions before you're halfway to what you want to steal. We will watch you. You won't pull off some caper. You're not a fucking cat burglar. Get over yourself; Get a job; or get out of my fucking store.


7. Here at Target, we ARE humans too. We have feelings and emotions. While we will for the most part try to keep these out of your experience at Target, sometimes things will show. If you can SEE I'm having a shitty day, don't make it worse. Try being kind. It usually will actually help the situation a lot. Guests have made my day by being really cool and down to earth. Others have had me cross the line from irritated to infuriated. If you see me charging down the main aisle like a fucking locomotive, you more than likely have one of your fellow F.U.C.K.E.D. to thank. Have some decency and manners. You'd be surprised how far it will get you. We may have secret hidden Target knowledge to reveal to you if you are nice. Like so...

In closing, my dear F.U.C.K.E.D. I'd like to say something. We get paid to do what we do. Guest service is our NUMBER ONE priority. It's ALL that we do. The things we're doing that you feel you are interrupting, are all part of a process that is there to provide service to YOU. Everything we're doing, is for you. All our processes in the store, are there to help ensure that you are recieving the merchandise and services you are wanting. That is our goal, to better how we serve you. I would like to note though, that it's called guest SERVICE, not guest servitude. We're not there to bend to your every whim, we're there to help you. We will do our best to help you, as long as you treat us with a modicum of civility and humility. It's not a large request of us,
considering everything we do is for you. They pay us to help, not to shovel your shit for you. If you are one of those people who shops with a smile, I swear to do my best to help you with anything you may need, with a beaming smile on my face. If you are one of those surly, asinine, repugnant or even worse, sycophantic pieces of condescending trash, I have only one thing to say to you.GET F.U.C.K.E.D.

That which doesn't kill you... may make you a zombie.

Mood : Death Cab For Cutie - I will Possess your Heart (did you come back up and check???)

My sleep schedule is destroyed. Nuclear. Thermo even... I woke up at 3am. I should start working the fun night shifts at work. Then I could wake up late AND hate life! Huzzah! I don't know why my sleep schedule is messed up. It does have some benefits though. I met someone that's arisen some familiar yet forgotten feelings in me, and it's kind of nice. I also have a best friend again. Things seem to be feeling a lot better. Of course I usually say that then my next post is like WTFOMFGEMOBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Anyhoo, we'll see what happens. As with these recent developments in my life, I'm trying to take things slow for once, instead of going all speed racer and rushingintoeverythinglikeafuckingspeeddemonnotslowingdownforanyoneoranything.

Right...

Moving on...

So, I'm in a pretty good mood right now. It could be due to waking up to someone I wanted to see online. It could be I actually got some rest. It could be some kind of fucked up sleep schedule induced psychosis. Lets hope for all three. Psychosis sounds like it could be fun. Psycho's usually get nifty superpowers like the ability to teleport, and to catch up to someone running at breakneck speed while you are walking like a snail. Also you get natural proficiency at a blunt or cutting tool of your own choosing. I wonder what I'd use... It'd need to be something original. OOOH Maybe a kaiser blade... What? You don't know what a kaiser blade is? Well then...

























Shazam. The picture doesn't show good relative size, but it's like....4 feet long. Imagine having some crazy guy come at you with that? I'd shit. I also need to decide if I'd be the silent killer type (see: Jason, Micheal, etc.) or more of a comedic loudmouth type (Freddy, Chucky) I AM a bit of a smart ass, so the comedic type seems more my style. I couldn't see myself being a psycho villain without some witty one-liners...


Yeah, so I realized I was ranting on being a psycho killer, and though I have the ability and mental capacity to objectively talk about just about anything, I don't want the shrinks coming for me... again <.< >.>

Oh crap I forgot to put the song for my mood up there...

But...am I too lazy to scroll back up?
It seems so far.
Is it worth it?
Such a journey to make...
Such a step to take...
Cue Puff Daddy.

If you saw a song up there, then I guess you know what happened eh?


I'm feeling quite random. I guess it's the adhdhdhdhdhdhdhdhddddhhhddddhhddd having fun with me. Neurons overfiring...WOO! I enjoy ADD on occasion. Your mind kind of works like a search engine. You always get a few more results than you needed. Also, your mind links things together. Like pizza. I like pizza. Pizza is in the shape of a circle. Like a bulls-eye...or a target. I work at target. I stock the shelves and control inventory numbers. I was specialized to the market section for a while. We stock pizzas there.




WHOAAAAAAAA











HE STOLE THAT GUYS PIZZA!




Pizza theft. It's a global issue. Protect yourself. Don't share your pizza cutters with others.



That makes me think of something else quite random.



Ever been to pizza hut and see the big ass pizza cutter doohickey they use to slice the pizzas?



They use that at the food place in Target. They only make tiny little pan pizzas. I've always though it was a bit of overkill... Like going after a block of cheese with a katana... Oh shit... I have a katana and cheese... Well.. I guess I know what I'LL be doing soon...



Did you know Bush has a 100% Dodge Rating?
























Epic Skills Indeed. He learned that when Dick Cheney taught him how to dodge questions.
ZING! POLITICAL STYLE! 10 POINTS!




And now for something...completely different.



I've been rambling for some time now, and though I'm not sure if any of it has a point, I feel like I said it all for a reason. No what happened happened and could not have happened any other way. The guy who said that was a wise dude, until his entire religious prophecy was revealed to be a lie. Sound like anything we know kids?



It's been hot as hell here lately. A lot of people don't understand that Mississippi is hot as the balls of a cactus, but it is. Humid as hell too. Your SWEAT will sweat here. Lemme check the lovely forecast.............100.....fucking 100......1 Zero ZERO. Shoot me now. I hate heat. You can put clothes on and bundle up when it's cold. You can only take off so much. I don't like feeling like I'm being baked when I get in my car to go home from work. It's gross, stuff sticks to you. It saps your energy and makes everyone cranky. Tomorrow will prolly be a cranky day at work. Guests come in cranky because of the heat, and I just want to slap them and scream "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE HEAT WHY DID YOU GET UP OFF YOUR ASS TO COME HERE?!?!?!??!?!?!???!?!?!" Bah. It kills me. It could be raining fire outside, and people would still come to Target.

Anyways, that's enough rambling for now.

I will leave you with lyrics.



How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

You reject my... advances... and desperate pleas...
I won't let you... let me down... so easily.So easily.

Nomenclature is overrated.

Fallacies of mankind display out beyond us all.
Yet all lie in wait, preparing to fall.
Death is an inevitability set aside for it's faithful.
Afraid to see the greater calling,
Of simply learning to cease to be.
All we learn is to further the understanding of our own agony.
Surveying the ignorant masses bleeding away blissfully.
Truly we stand triumphantly above them.
Awashed in the excrement of our own victory.
Burn it away and all will be seen.
A picturesque humanity too grotesque and obscene
We are monsters of our own design.
A procession of death-awaiting abominable beings.

Another entrance.

Mood : Flyleaf - All Around Me

So, I've been progressing decently. I'm more or less out of the woods I would say, though it's still a hard journey picking myself back up. I still have bouts of misery here and there, but they seem to be lessening in intensity. I can't really remember a clear distinct point of "happiness" with which to judge my progress by, but needless to say, I'm at a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I still miss Gwyn severely. It still hurts. I still find myself wanting to talk to her and tell her about things. I've started laying down at night before bed, and whispering a few words to her, as I used to do when we spoke on the phone and talked each other to sleep. It seems to help.

Right now, the front of my face and my eyes ache slightly, indicating I've been up too long, and my eyes have been open longer than they wished to be. Sadly, I've been having trouble sleeping this week. I've always been an insomniac, but as of late it seems that sometimes I have to wait till I'm ready to pass out to sleep. It's not for lack of work or energy usage either. I guess perhaps my mind is a bit overwound lately, causing for restlessness. I'll perservere. I love sleep too much to do without it for long.

Have you ever thought about the things we do for ourselves without noticing it? Have you ever noticed that you breathe on auto-pilot unless you start thinking about it? I've wonder if that sort of automation is prevalent within our emotions. Have you ever gone through an entire day, and then realized you didn't really control anything you did during it? Like you just reacted and responded through pre-disposed actions and dialogue? I hate those days. For the most part they feel wasted, unless it's a day I wished to be over, at which case I tend to be grateful I could zone out for the bulk of it. I'm happy to see that I'm beginning to have curiosities again. The return of that, along with the return of my humor, are good indicators of a positive step on the road of recovery. I'm still emotionally fragile. A dear friend has been helping me with this, much to her own sacrifice I worry. Needless to say, it's taken someone as hard-headed as I, to put up with my brand of brooding emotionality. I wonder sometimes how she does it, but I've learned that friendship can truly be an empowering thing. When you care for someone, the posibilities of what you can do for that person is truly limitless. I've seen this in many forms. She's truly helped me to begin walking on the path of redemption, and I don't think she will ever understand how truly meaningful that is to me. To be honest, I'm glad she wont. I don't think I ever want someone to completely understand me. If you completely understand someone, how will you ever be surprised by them? Spontaneity disappears at that point. I hope that never happens to me. I know it wont with her. She's as complex an individual as I am, and I find that fascinating, as my curiosity is legendary.

Well, as much as I could probably keep writing, I do need to go either sleep or get up and get ready for work already. I'll leave with the lyrics of the song I'm listening to.

"All Around Me"

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with
you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

For Gwyn Again.

At the time of utmost need, she finally came to me.

This is what I said to her.


This is just for you Gwyn.

I will never forget a thing between us.You're worth will forever be measued in the love that beams from the smile that graces my face at the thought of you. I will forever love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. With every ounce of strength this form posesses I will lift your memories to the highest level of loving admiration such as that this world has never seen before.
Goodbye Babygirl. I Love You. Now and Forevermore.

For Gwyn.

Mood : Skillet - Comatose

Why did you have to leave?
Why did you have to let go?
Couldn't you have stayed one more day?
I don't care if I'm selfish for thinking so.
I've lost myself in losing you.

It was us against the world.
How can I face them alone?
I keep waiting for you to appear.
To hear your voice whisper in my ear.

I feel the burning start behind my eyes.
I can't do this without you, no matter what they say.
You can't be gone, not yet, not now.
You were my one constant.
You kept my fears at bay.

I'll never wake up the same again.
You were the anchor for my soul.
That which helped my eyes open,
Allowing my next day to begin.

My throat aches as inside I scream for you.
I can't believe you're gone from me
I can't believe I can't feel you.
You can't leave me here this way.
You have to come back and save me.
I don't know if I can last this day.

How do I tell you how much I love you,
When I can't find you anymore?
I need you here more than ever.
I have to hold you one more time.
I have to love you one more time.

Don't leave me here...
Don't go without me...
It's supposed to be the two of us forever.
Please don't go...
Please...
Just don't go...

The Saga of Mourning, and other unrelated material.

Mood = The Servant - Cells

So, I feel my last post was incredibly over dramatic, but nonetheless, it reflected my feelings at the time, so I will leave it. I'm definately in mourning now. It seems the more it sinks in that my friend is gone, the more impact it really has. I'm working on it though, and I've started to be able to smile at the good memories I have once more. So as far as that goes, I will try to face it as it comes, and enjoy the friends that I have to support me. Moving On.


So I love making friends. I find that the discourse of two individuals can be some of the most thought provoking and utterly satisfying material known to me. It's a beautiful thing to be able to dissect one's own sense of perception by learning and understand another's perception and perspective. It's truly an enlightening experience. I think that everyone at some point, should find someone they wouldn't necessarily talk to in their normal daily routine, and have a deep conversation with that person. Of course, I don't mean we should all go find people who would be enemies to us. I mean someone who isn't normally a conversation partner. It could be anyone, even a good friend you've never spoken deeply with. Do this, and I guarantee a bit of self enlightenment, which this world could use a lot more of lately.

Letting go.

Mood : 3 Days Grace - Never too Late

Depression is a stealthy thing. It has such a knack for sneaking up on you. Here I sit feeling like I'm floating deep within a cesspool of pitch black and cold. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around anything anymore. I pride myself on being pretty insightful, yet here I am feeling like I can't explain a thing. I love how it can feel like people love you and are there for you...for about 10 minutes. I love how it feels that people are more than happy to be there for you, until it requires sacrifice on their own part. We are all just selfish beings arent we? That's what makes us humans being. I've had such a mix of rage and despair in me lately. I feel like I could rip someone's head off, and then blow off my own for the trouble. I'm against the idea of suicide as a principle and due to past circumstance. Lately though, I've kind of just felt like I could just give up on living. I seem to just keep noticing...everything we do, all events in our lives, all things are still leading to an inevitable end. What's the point in trying?


Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right,
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.
I could say day, and you'd say night
tell me it's black when I know that it's white
s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all.

An exodus into predisposition.

This is my blog. To start, I feel the need to explain how I will be using this. I do not intend for this to be an exact journal. I may use it to write about my day, or other events, but that is not my sole intention. To be particularly honest, I have no singular intention. This will simply serve as a place to articulate thoughts and experiences as I see fit. I cannot guarantee accurate spelling, grammar, or vocabulary usage. It will simply depend on my mood I suppose.

So lets begin shall we?

Mood : Megadeth - Addicted to Chaos
(to explain, I'm music based in my thought and personality, my mood will always be explained with a song. Do not accept the title as my mood, if you want to understand the mood, listen to the song named. To explain even further, do not listen to the WORDS of the song, listen to the feel of the music, I'm usually more focused on the melody..)

To set the stage for my current situation and outlook, you should understand that I'm 21, I live with a parent, I work in retail, and the best friend I've ever had just died of cancer. To answer the first question, yes, I would say I'm in a state of mourning, perhaps even depression. Be that as it may, I still feel happiness most of the time, and feel more than confident that my current level of cognizance is more or less unaffected by current events...for the most part.
I will say that I miss in a way I've never felt before this. That, for the most part, will probably be all you will hear about it. What? Yes, I will write in many perspectives, speaking in multiple persons. I have no care to make this "correct". I guess that more or less is related to a thought that I've spoken and written of before, but feel the need to address again. That thought being "right and wrong". We hear of this concept nearly everyday. Most people don't even put thought into it, they just accept the concept. This really blows my mind, since right and wrong in my opinion, are entirely abstract concepts. We base right and wrong on a combination of two factors: What we feel, and what we're told. Feelings are easily affected, and as such, are no basis for fact. What we are TOLD is based upon the perspective of whoever is doing the telling. Again, that is no basis for fact. With that being so, how is the concept of right and wrong really valid? Of course I feel that some things should and should not be done, but I don't necessarily believe we should classify it as a simple "good or bad" dichotomy. The concept of good and evil is just as invalid to me. Malicious intent is very real, yes. Mental instability and resulting behaviors are real, yes. Sometimes people do horrible things, but that doesn't mean that person is "evil". The concept of "good and evil" feels completely archaic to me. I believe that our current level of sentience is far above such a concept. Well... most people's at least... Yes, I know I've neglected to indulge the blinding seething religious masses, any of which probably would of either closed this page or started quoting scripture at me. I suppose I should explain that I don't believe in theology. I understand the concept as it applies to hope, and that it gives people something to believe in, and a reason to keep going, however, it doesn't hold any potency for me. I don't believe that superman in the sky with diamonds sent his zombie son to die and undie so we could be free to sock our wives in the jaw and get away with it. Not to mention, if he resurrected, wouldn't that kind of negate the DYING for our sins? I suppose God writes the rules though, so that makes it ok... Anyways, that's probably enough theological ranting for now.

Mood : Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes

I feel I should talk about the song I'm now listening to. I feel that music is the singular most powerful energy to ever be discovered and harnessed. This song is a very good example of that. It's name is very well chosen, as it really moves seamlessly from a frenetic pace to a dainty and delicate mood. It is well worded, and incredibly executed. I constantly envision creating a choreographed show to this song, as it is very theatric. It demonstrates the power of music incredibly well. It's hard to believe how well music can articulate every possible emotion a person can feel. I've not felt an emotion I could not find in song. I love music with every fiber of my being.

I feel I've said enough to field a strong first post. I cannot guarantee a second. I can't guarantee I'll ever look at this again, but if I do, then more posts with most likely come.

Free your mind from what it sees,
To understand perceptually.
- Me